Said Essay AKA My Most Embarrassing Moment of 10th Grade*

Against my better judgement, here is said essay from previous post... To fully grasp my eye-rolling, it might help to put yourself in the shoes of a 15 year-old High School student. It was a little easier, since I knew it was supposed to be a bit of a joke, but that didn't save me from the "who knew...and here we thought she was so innocent" comments. (Still appalled that I turned this in for a grade...)LOL

The Kiss

Kissing is a regular part of daily activities. [To which teacher scrawled "well-for some people!" in her red ink.] We start out very young learning about the kiss with childhood games such as "Kissing Tag"** and "Truth or Dare." As we get older, we adapt kissing into different games. No party would be complete without a round of "Spin-the-Bottle." but, is it really that important to, as they say, "Kiss and Tell"? After all, all kisses are the same, right? Wrong! Never in a million years could all kisses be lumped into one physical action. Never could all kisses be referred to as, THE KISS!

Many people experience the same type of first kiss. The BRICK WALL kiss, so named because the feeling you get after this kiss is much the same as the sensation of having just walked into a brick wall, is not an exciting first kiss. What ever happened to Rhett butler? The main reason that this is so often the first kiss is simply because it is the kiss resulting from nervousness (and we all know everyone is nervous their first time). You can't pretend that you haven't the slightest clue about what I just said, because you've all experienced it. [Yes, reading aloud to classmates...] You're in love (for a week), you're sharing a Coke, you're having the most romantic time, it's just how you've always imagined it to be, and then, you go in for the kiss. Instead of the expected passion as you thought was flowing between the two of you, the kiss was guided only by the knowledge gained by obesrving Sox, the cat. You know the cat bump-bump (hard) and back- it's over. Although this isn't a kiss you like to remember, it leaves an impression of it frightfullness on your mind-as deeply as the one of you teeth on your lips.

Despite their first failure, young people from every country strive mightily to live up to their parents' and teachers' prompting, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Fortunately, the second time is never a repeat of the first. Unfortunately, it's not any better. The BRICK WALL melts away and only mush remains. The LIMP KISS is no better than falling asleep into your oatmeal. At least if you'd really been eating your oatmeal, your mother would be proud. The LIMP KISS is often explained to friends as one where "He/she didn't kiss me back," when in actuality, he/she did; you just didn't feel it.

As history tends to repeat itself, almost all experimenting kissers fall into the pattern followed by their predecessors. The next lesson learned is how it really tastes to smoke cigarrettes and chew tobacco, whithout actually doing it. Going hand in hand with this one is a lesson that your mother and father have been trying to teach you all of your life. Your mind is opened (not so lightly) to the thought, " I will never smoke cigarrettes OR chew tobacco." The suspicion that these rugged, tough individual know what they're doing and may have excellent experience never goes away. The reason: no one ever remembers the kiss itself-only the 12 appointment with the porcelin god directly following this ... adventure. [Again, in light of writing style and message, I now refer reader to asterisk #1...]

However disappointed we may be, we do not give up. If the third time is not a charm, the fourth must be. Much to our dismay, it is not. Not solid, not mush, not drugged, this kiss makes the most awful sounds. The NOISEMAKER KISS is only practiced by the faithful daily viewers of "All My Children," "General Hospital," and "Days of Our Lives." In an attempt to mimic their favorite daytime dramatic stars, these kisses sound amazingly like fake disses made public with the aid of a microphone. Is there any question whether this has any romantic value? No-appetizing maybe (or maybe not), but definitely not romantic.

Of course, there is a first time for everything, including the all too well known French Kiss. The WET DOG KISS, however, can hardly be identified as an attempt at the former. Leaving your face covered in slimy slobber, your date cheerfully scurries off to claim his/her territory. Exactly like the dog? Of course not-when your dog is finished slobbering, you still hold him some respect.

As with all problems, this one has a solution that, in turn, becomes a problem. The DIRT DEVIL comes along to save the day. This kisser not only sucks off any outside slobber, but dries your mouth out completely until your stomach and intestines are sucked out too. This Tidy-Vac is extremely difficult to get rid of because he/she is always sucked onto you. Having no easy way to unplug the fiend, the quickest escape is to hit, run, and never return.

Among the bricks, the mush, the smoke, the noise, the dogs,and the vacuum, there has to be some kind of median. Where or what it is is probably different for everyone and will come along only when the time is right. Because of this, we must settle for kisses with character. Between Kissing Tag, Truth-or-Dare, and Spin-th-Bottle, everyone should be able to find a comfort zone. When you do-stay there; you many never find it again.

*Also, thus far, the most embarrassing moment of 2008

**Author has not actually played either spin-the-bottle or kissing tag, and any truth or dare dares did not involve kissing.

***In the interest of saving face, the author reserves complete copywrite, in order to keep the viewing eyes to a minimum.

****Author also think the teacher graded too many papers that day...far too many spelling (which I hopefully have now corrected) and punctuation errors to have earned such a top-notch grade.

*****Affirms to self with a plastered cheesy smile, "Deep breaths...I've grown as a writer"...sigh...